Things I'll Never Do Again

A friend of mine and I went on a lunch break trip to Ragstock, a hipster vintage store, in order to buy a Hawaiian shirt for his Tiki presentation at our workplace. (Long story.)

While at the check-out counter, I noticed the artfully stacked tubs of Manic Panic hair dye. For the uninitiated, Manic Panic is the hair dye of choice if you would like to have bubblegum pink, electric blue, or toxic orange hair. First, you bleach your hair an ungodly shade of white, then use the Manic Panic. Voila! Your hair is suddenly radioactively bright.

After we left, I sighed and said, "I'll never be able to Manic Panic my hair again." It's true. I work for a corporate school, and if I showed up with Cherry Cola colored hair, I'd be in severe trouble. It's a fact of my adult life.

My friend laughed and said, "Well, I'll never be able to pick up chicks at a coffee shop anymore." He's happily married, and has been for several years. In fact, he and the wife are in the process of buying a house right now.

"I'll never know what's cool to wear in clothes anymore." I countered. This lead to the things I'll never do again discussion. We countered back and forth with all the things we cannot do because we're adults with mortgages (or soon to be mortgages), spouses, and Important Jobs.

So some things I'll never be able to do again: Pierce or tattoo any portion of my face. Shave my head. Quit a job without having another one as a back up. Work for minimum wage and have party money left over. Know about a band before everyone else does. Be the smartass in the back of the classroom. Ignore my homework (or other obligation.)

This isn't a bad thing. During that phase in my life, I wasn't that happy about having to know what's hip and having to fit in. And, it's not that I want to do any of these things again. In fact, when I had the 13 year window of time to dye my hair leprechaun green, I mostly didn't. But, it's a bit melancholy to recognize that I'm now past that time in my life. Luckily, there are many benefits to this phase in my life. Like compound interest and home equity and 401(k) plans.